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Even though I’m not in a sorority, I love the magic of rush. It’s so fun seeing all of the PNMs – potential new members, yes, I watched the “Bama Rush” documentary – getting excited over joining different sororities like Kappa Alpha Theta, and the other ones. (I can’t remember the names of any other sororities at the moment. They’re all too similar and it hurts my head.)

I’ve just never felt compelled to join a sorority. Maybe it’s the fact that it takes a lot of work to do so, and I’m cripplingly lazy. What do you mean you want me to come to a karaoke potluck dinner where I have to be charming and fun? I’d rather stay at home and be unlikable in solitude, thank you very much.

However, after some extensive thinking, I started brainstorming. What would my dream sorority look like? Probably nothing like the ones we have here at Syracuse, if I’m being quite honest. First of all, it would have a name that I could remember: Pi Pi Pi. I mean, who would forget Pi Pi Pi? Then every time someone left the house, “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC would start playing.

The rush process for Pi Pi Pi (or Tri Pi) would look nothing like the other sororities. Our first rush event? A hot dog eating contest. Sure, everyone would expect us to have a pie eating contest. But that’s one thing about us Pi Pi Pi girls, we keep everyone on their toes.

The first girl to win the hot dog eating contest will be hoisted into the air, as she is in the lead in Pi Pi Pi rush. We will then bring her down to earth and all of the existing Tri Pi members will give her a gentle, gentle kiss on the nose. So gentle she will barely be able to feel it.

We will then force the person in last place to drink our toilet water and banish them from any area that is within fifty feet of the Pi Pi Pi house.

According to my research, when sororities are recruiting, they discourage potential new members from discussing the five B’s: boys, booze, Biden, bible and bank. Us at Tri Pi? Hey, talk about booze and bank however much you want! We won’t stop you.

If you must discuss *gags* … men, however, you must choose from the following list of acceptable ones: Keanu Reeves, Tom Hanks, the Pauls (Giamatti and Rudd), Ryan Gosling, Adam Sandler, Adam Driver or Jeremy Allen White. We’ve all seen his Calvin Klein ad.

On Bid Day, we would not present our new recruits with an envelope. No, no. We would NBA Draft it, calling them up to a stage and giving them bright pink jerseys before making them stand for a picture, posed in the shaking hands position.

We would have a lot of fun hobbies in Pi Pi Pi. We’d have crochet nights, baking nights and also movie nights, of course! We love “Pretty in Pink,” “Legally Blonde,” (of course) “Mean Girls,” and the classics like “Raging Bull” and “Saw!” Us Pi Pi Pis would have a wide taste in films, and we’d even have a tradition that every time Linda Blair’s head spins in “The Exorcist,” we throw glitter at the screen!

We wouldn’t care about fancy things like Cartier bracelets or Lululemon tennis skirts. We’d wear the baggiest basketball shorts and the most ironic t-shirts around the house, ones that we thrifted that say “Fifty and fabulous!” in the curly font. Our one rule? If there’s not a joke on your shirt, we don’t want to see it.

More than anything, however, us Pi Pi Pi girls would be a family. We would talk to each other about our problems, share clothes and, like true sisters, slap each other for hogging the bathroom.

Published on January 15, 2024 at 10:03 pm

Contact Sarah: sswells@syr.edu