Editor’s note: The majors, or teams, chosen for the Sweet 16 Syracuse University major bracket challenge were chosen at random from a comprehensive list of every major at SU. The tournament bracket is purely satirical and crafted for your enjoyment.

FIRST-ROUND MATCHUPS

Drama vs. History = History

William Shakespeare once wrote, “All the world’s a stage.” Actually, Billy Shakes, all the world is the history of the world. Sorry thespians, this game wasn’t even close. Studying history to better the future outweighs theater in this first round of the Northeast.

Biophysical Science vs. Religion = Science

Biophysical science vs. religion was the biggest ticket-seller of the first-round matchups. Just like the Scopes Trial of the 1920s, the outcome flipped in favor of the biophysical scientists. Religion is a team that is fun to watch, and can oftentimes light up the arena, but come tournament time, it won’t get the W.

TRF vs. Finance = Finance

Television, radio and film majors, what do you want to do with your degree after college? Why did you choose this major instead of broadcast journalism or film in the College of Visual and Performing Arts? In the time it takes you to answer that question, the finance majors have already gotten offers from 10 small accounting firms. Then they’ll steal the ball and score while the TRF majors decide whether they want to be the next J.J. Abrams, Ira Glass or Quentin Tarantino.

Music vs. Comm. Design = Music

This is a battle of the right-brainers, but ultimately, old faithful will come out and win it. Communications design is the hip new major, mixing knowledge of digital interfacing with artistic instincts, but it doesn’t have the staying power that music has. Music is an age-old phenomenon, and people throughout history haven’t stopped caring about it. Carry on, maestro.

Marketing Mgmt. vs. Anthropology = Anthropology

Expect a small upset with this game. Anthropology, a difficult major to define by those who are and aren’t studying it, might just have the social relevance to take out the flashy marketing management team. Ultimately, the marketing management team will be too busy arguing about who should be leading the group, and the anthropology majors will incorporate the knowledge of collaboration they’ve learned from other cultures to steal the game.

Greek (Classics) vs. Women & Gender Studies = Greek (Classics)

Greek Classics is the dark horse and Cinderella team in this race. The Greeks offered an incredible amount to society, from art to philosophy to innovations in writing and physics. Sorry, ladies, but this round will be the biggest major upset of the first round with the Greeks taking down women’s and gender studies (just like when Haemon took down Antigone).

Ethics vs. Physical Therapy = Physical Therapy

Here’s the thing: People struggle with ethics. Between lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride, something always manages to get in the way. But people still have an overwhelming tendency to physically harm themselves or others, so while ethics might be a lost cause, the physical therapists could actually be a force to be reckoned with in this tournament.

English and Textual Studies vs. Fashion = English and Textual Studies

In my mind, fashion was significantly over-seeded for this tournament. The fact is, this team is just all about appearance, and there’s not enough substance to their style of play. The English and textual studies team can sometimes bog themselves down with analysis, but ultimately, I think they’re going to pull out with the win in this first-round game.

SECOND-ROUND MATCHUPS

History vs. Biophysical Science = History

This is going to be a real nail-biter, and I predict the score between the two teams will be within five points. The thing is, though, scientists have to go through too much trial and error to come to a correct conclusion with their work, and it is going to cost them in this game. The historians will know the history of erroneous scientific experiments, and they’ll punish the biophysicists with it.

Finance vs. Music = Music

Upset city, baby! Finance will definitely have the better odds in this game, what with the job security and general everyday usefulness of the major, but the musicians are going to enjoy the game more and — being so in-tune with their emotions — will communicate better with each other on the court.

Anthropology vs. Greek = Greek

It’s hard to beat a team who pretty much invented your style of play. That’s why SU always seems to beat on “noobs” who try to play it using a 2-3 zone. The study of anthropology is derived from the phrase ‘anthropos logia,’ the study of man. Sorry, anthropologists, but the Greek classicists are going to know all of your plays before they happen, and this major, SU’s best-kept secret, moves another step in the tournament.

Physical Therapy vs. English and textual studies = Physical Therapy

About 10 minutes into the second half, the English and textual studies team will completely fall apart when two of its own players get into an argument about whether Charlotte Bronte or Sylvia Plath was a more significant feminist writer. The physical therapy team, already the team with a stronger background in athletics, will steal the show.

THIRD-ROUND MATCHUPS

History vs. Music = History

Music is going to put up a good fight, but history is going to have a much bigger game. The musicians will be surprised by their own success after coming up from nothing, but they’ll let their egos get completely in the way. The historians will put together yet another win and keep on studying the social patterns of the next team they face so they can be perfectly prepared.

Greek (Classics) vs. Physical Therapy = Greek (Classics)

This is going to be the anthropology game all over again. The Greeks pretty much invented torque, and their study of the human body was totally groundbreaking. Physical therapists don’t have the wealth of knowledge that these classicists have, and they’re going to suffer for it in the second half. You just have to keep rooting for the sleeker team. In what building do these Greek guys even take classes?

FINALS

History vs. Greek (Classics)= History

It was such an amazing ride to see the Greek Classics majors make such a deep run, but it ultimately comes down to asking just how relevant their studies are to modern-day basketball? It provides a lot of great knowledge and an interesting base to many things, but history is more encompassing, and they’re going to be able to run more diverse plays.

Published on March 19, 2013 at 1:27 am

Contact Chelsea: cedebais@syr.edu | @CDeBaise124