It’s no secret that Hollywood loves to romanticize college, depicting students doing keg stands on the way to class while girls undress without hesitation. But no movie has taken this overgeneralization further than ‘Sorority Row.’

From this mindset begins the plot: A group of painfully snooty daddy’s girls from the Theta Pi sorority who take a cruel joke just a step too far. All the Hollywood horror clichés ensue, including a dead body in a well, mysterious murderers in black cloaks and, for some reason, the obligatory hot-and-bothered students meeting their doom just after getting it on.

Like other generic slasher movies, there’s the group of friends harboring some dark secret. Of course, it’s this haunting secret that gets most of them killed. But luckily for the audience, we feel the least sympathy for the main protagonists.

Thank actresses Leah Pipes (Jessica) for the majority of the film’s frustrating moments. Pipes adds the extra helpings of b**** in almost every scene she occupies, creating a lead character who is as likable as Miranda Priestly or Cruella DeVil. Jessica redefines the superficial sorority stereotype, taking her to levels of annoyance rarely experienced. But keep in mind that this only makes her final fate seem that much sweeter.

As far as the rest of the cast goes, it’s pretty by-the-numbers. Every Theta Pi sister knows when and where to undress and scream at the camera when death comes knocking, but beyond that, this cast of unknowns will probably stay unknown.

While the sisters try to deduce the identity of the mysterious Theta Pi murderer, it is nice that the audience is as clueless as they are. The big reveal comes from left field, but at least the butler didn’t do it. Speaking of butlers, a personal highlight in the movie comes when the sorority mother greets the murder with the business end of her shotgun.

While this film is certainly not a bone-chiller, it can put you on the edge of your seat. Even if it becomes painfully apparent that someone will bite it the minute they’re alone, the movie manages to tease out the impending slaughter for a little anxiousness.

But remember, it’s not all business at the sorority house. One has to commend their relentless drive to get drunk. No axe murderer is going to ruin their intoxicated evening, and they won’t let pesky annoyances like murder stop their party.

Therein lies another fundamental flaw with ‘Sorority Row.’ The movie serves as a giant slap in the face to all members of the Greek community. Apparently, getting wasted and laid are the only things to do on campus.

Even if ‘Sorority Row’ fails on all fronts as a horror movie for college students, it at least passes as one of the more humorous ones of the year.

ansteinbe@syr.edu

Published on September 16, 2009 at 12:00 pm